OK, I recognise you’ve heard it all before, the pregnancy stats over 40 are dismal. As far as I’m concerned, stats are for statisticians. What when it comes to the fact that the number of unintended pregnancies in women amidst 40 and 44 is second only to teenagers? Many women in their 40′s think their too old to get pregnant, they get little lax with their birth control, and bingo!

I would venture to guess most women over 40 aren’t attempting to get pregnant (and a good deal of have had sterilization procedures). I wonder what would occur to those stats if all women over 40 tried to get pregnant. I think we’d all be surprised. Our society and media is so ‘age obsessed’ that women begin to believe their life is over at the age of 40 (heck, now it’s more like 35). The message is you’ll need plastic surgery, you’ll be substituted by a trophy wife, you’ll have a hard time getting employed, and your probabilities of having a baby are less than your probabilities of winning the lottery.

As far as I’m concerned, I won the lottery, but it wasn’t by luck. I was 44 when I had my daughter who, in my totally unbiased opinion, is perfect. I had a normal pregnancy and normal deliverance and I conceived without fertility treatments. Yes, I’m the oldest mom at the playground, but so far, nobody’s asked me if I’m her grandmother. As a matter of fact, I’ve been asked more than once, “Are you having another?” I’m in the best shape of my life, and even though my very active daughter wears me out occasionally, I’m keeping up just fine. As a matter of fact, I do not forget babysitting my niece and nephew when I was in my 20′s – it wasn’t any requiring little effort back then.

Being an ‘older’ mom is such a blessing. I’m wiser, more patient, and completely skilled at dealing with the tryouts and tribulations of a two-year-old. I have no concealed agendas for my daughter. Since I’ve already accomplished everything I wanted to do in my life, I’m not attempting to live my dreams through her. It’s her life, and I’m behind her no matter what path she takes. The comment I listen most often is, “She’s such a happy little girl.”

I will confess I had an interesting traveling to parenthood. My own childhood was less than perfect. I grew up with parents who were altogether mismatched leaving me with a negative impression of marriage and family. As a result, I waited until I was almost 37 to get married and didn’t even commence attempting to get pregnant until I was closely 38. After a year of attempting on our own, we went in for fertility treatments. I expended over two years attempting medications, inseminations and IVF twice. The medications and inseminations didn’t work at all, and the IVF’s ended in miscarriage and the remotion of my left fallopian tube. I became disillusioned with the assemblage line exercise of my fertility clinic and the amount of drugs and hormones I was pumping into my scheme was totally inconsistent with my ‘all natural’ way of life and personal philosophy. I notified my doctor that I was moving on to ‘childfree’.

I was over 40 at this point and as if to spur me on, no matter where I went or who I talked to, I would listen yet another story of a woman giving birth in her 40′s. I met a woman at my niece’s graduation party who gave birth to triplets at the age of 45 (without fertility treatments), a tenant in our rental property all of a sudden tells me she gave birth to her son at the age of 45. A local radio personality said his mother had him at the age of 48 (before the days of fertility treatments). I was standing in the ski lift line and some teenagers behind us were laughing that their mom was going to have another baby at the age of 43. I started researching my own family history, and both my grandmothers were in their 40′s when they had their last child. I couldn’t get away from it!

I realized I wasn’t ready to give up on getting pregnant but I perfectly did not want to go through anymore fertility treatments. I started researching natural methods to heighten fertility. I quit a high stress job, I started a totally new way of eating, and I went back and confronted all the unsolved issues I had with my parents and my less-than-perfect upbringing. I also researched natural methods of balancing hormones, increasing pelvic circulation, and I changed my ‘pregnancy mindset’ through visualization and meditation.

I was shocked when I became pregnant naturally just months after completing fertility treatments. Unfortunately, I was miscarrying by the time I realized I was pregnant. Even altho my miscarriage was heartbreaking, I was ecstatic to in the end recognise I could get pregnant on my own. Now, more motivated than ever, I continued researching natural methods to heighten my fertility and I continued adding things to my ‘getting pregnant’ protocol.

To make a long story short, I got pregnant two more times, but miscarried both. Why was this happening? I had the fetal tissue examined after a D&C, and wouldn’t you know it, my baby was chromosomally normal. So much for the well-meaning condolences, “Something was in all probability wrong, it was a blessing”. I continued attempting to get pregnant, even even though I was now 43 years old. I could feel my baby hovering over me. I necessitated to give her life. But, when I was 43 and 11 months, I almost gave up. I thought perchance my ‘internal barometer’ was broken. I was so sure I was going to have a baby, but here I was, almost 44, and still childless. My baby was out there but I couldn’t get to her. I reluctantly decisive that it was really time to move on to childfree and get on with my life.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was a little angry that I at long last made a firm decision to move on to childfree, and here I was, pregnant again! I guess preparedness ultimately met prospect (I think I was the healthiest humane being on the planet by then). I was cautious but excessively affected emotionally nonetheless. We decisive not to tell any person or to see a doctor until any ‘normal’ person would. I didn’t want a ‘blow by blow’ accounting of my hCG numbers or a causing sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy speech with regards to the risks of pregnancy at my age. When I in the end did see my doctor (one who was rather negative when it comes to women in their 40′s getting pregnant), he was bouncing off the walls with excitement! My ultrasound looked great! This one was going to make it.

The moral of my story is “trust your instincts”. If you recognise deep in your heart that you may do something, you probably can. I’m sure numerous doctors would use my story as an example of how difficult it is to have a child over 40. But, fertility treatments were in all probability the most detrimental element working versus me. There’s a higher incidence of tubal pregnancies with IVF and I’m sure all those injections of drugs and hormones threw the delicate remainder of my procreative system further out of whack. If I would have started my ‘all natural’ pregnancy protocol earlier, I would have saved myself years of frustration, $25,000 in fertility treatments, and I would have had both my fallopian tubes fundamentally doubling my prospects of getting pregnant naturally. I partially blame those over-quoted statistics. I can’t tell you how a good deal of times I read that if you’re in your late 30′s or 40′s you ought to “run not walk” to the nearest fertility clinic because time’s running out fast!

The bottom line is I overcame all of my challenges and succeeded naturally at the age of 44. So, for all you statisticians out there, I’d like to ask, “What are the odds of that?”

Copyright © 2005 Sandy Robertson

Hurley Mens Walk All Over You Short

Praise for The Macho Paradox

“An honest, intellectually stringent and perceptive work that challenges readers to veritably engage in a political discourse that may modify lives, communities and nations.”

–Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes

“Jackson Katz is an American hero! With integrity and courage, he has taken his message–that the epidemic of violence versus women is a men’s issue–into athletic terms, the military and frat houses throughout the country. His book explains conservatively and convincingly why–and how–men may become share of the solution, and work with women to build a world in which every one is safer.”

–Michael Kimmel, author of Manhood in America, spokesperson, National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS)

“If only men would read Katz’s book, it could serve as a potent form of male consciousness-raising.”

–Publishers Weekly

“This book leaves no man behind when it comes to taking violence versus women personally….After reading this book you may see how primary it is to be a stand-up guy and not a standy-by guy, no matter what race or culture you come from.”

–Alfred L. McMichael, 14th Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps and now serving as the Sergeant Major of NATO

“A candid look at the cultural components that lend themselves to tolerance of abuse and violence versus women.”

–Booklist

“These pages will empower both men and women to end the scourge of male violence and abuse. Katz knows how to cut to the core of the issues, demonstrating undeniably that stopping the degradation of women must be each man’s priority.”

–Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

From Publishers WeeklyKatz is cofounder of the Mentors in Violence Prevention Program (MVP), and his focus is on prevention—his intended audience is not violent men who need help altering their ways, but all men, who, he says, have a role to play in preventing male violence versus women. His basic assertion is that rape, battering, sexual abuse and harassment are so widespread that they must be viewed as a social problem rooted in our culture, not as the problem of troubled individuals. He urges men to directly confront the misogynistic complex mental states and conduct of their peers. Some men may find Katz’s counsel on occasion baffling: he is full of directions in regards to what not to do (such as paternalistic actions that deprive women of their autonomy). He wants to fetch men into the more prominent discussion of pornography (which, he points out, has been eclipsed by women) and get them to look at it is affect on themselves. Katz likewise presents eye-opening exercises and discussions from the MVP model that engender procreative discussion amidst participants—usually high school or college students. If only men would read Katz’s book, it could serve as a potent form of male consciousness-raising.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a section of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From BooklistKatz, an antisexist male activist, repositions violence versus women as a broader cultural issue, not just a women’s issue. Arguing for a “far-reaching cultural revolution,” Katz explores those distinct elements of American culture that publicize violence versus women, focusing distinguished chapters on pornography, prostitution, and other sex-related businesses as well as sexual violence in the military, the music industry, and athletics. He catalogs the troubling stats when it comes to domestic violence, sexual harassment, and other acts of violence and hostility by men versus women, but he is most powerful when detailing encounters with men and women speaking with regards to their personal experiences. Based on his work with gender violence, the book also offers counsel on how men may ally with women to curb violence and modify those distinct features of the “boys will be boys” attitude on male aggressiveness and masculinity that may lead to violence and abuse. This is a candid look at the cultural elements that lend themselves to tolerance of abuse and violence versus women. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Most helpful customer reviews

28 of 32 people found the following review helpful.
Great job, Jackson
By 206
I’ve always been a big fan of Jackson Katz’ work and his latest book is no exception. This is a really accessible, well written, and thorough piece that takes a critical look at the hegemony in our society that makes violence against women by men, men’s destructive and violent behavior become a culturally normal thing. Katz does an incredible job in piecing together his argument in a clear manner that doesn’t alienate the audience..and in any sort of anti-violence work, that’s a really difficult thing to do because the subject matter is such a serious and taboo one. I would highly recommend this book for any parent, any educator, anybody that wants to take proactive steps against men’s violence in america and think critically about those issues. I would also suggest Jackson’s video, the bible of any men’s anti-violence work “Tough Guise” (www.mediaed.org). As a student in the women studies department at the University of Washington, I can say that Jackson’s work is always highly respected and popular among the students and faculty.

Luke,
www.realmenarenot.com

24 of 27 people found the following review helpful.
Buy this for the men in your life….
By A Teacher
I wish I had 200 copies of this book. There are so many men I know that can find themselves depicted in Katz’s clear and insightful reflections on male culture today. Why has the violence women suffer at the hands of some men been called a “woman’s issue”? Where’s the curiosity and creativity of more men when it comes to looking at why violence and sexual violence in particular are so epidemic? Or even, more dangerously, glamorized in aspects of the pornography industry? Forget “Pretty Woman” or “The Girl Next Door” and dive into real life. Katz has done his research and articulates a vision that should make every man stand up and collectively work to make this a world they are proud their daughters and sons will inherit. I really wish I had 200 copies….

20 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
great book on many levels
By J. Moser
This book is both accessible and sophisticated in its approach. It covers political and social issues and popular culture in great depth. However, Katz pitches his argument to the broadest possible audience; he almost never uses jargon. I used the introductory chapter in a classroom with both high school and college students, and they all responded to the piece with enthusiasm. Another aspect of the book that elevates it above many similar works is Katz’s use of personal anecdotes from his career as an anti-sexist activist to illustrate his points. These stories not only help to ground the book in reality, but they make it clear that the author has tested his ideas in the field of deeds. He has constantly sought out new audiences and been challenged to refine his approach. He advocates for a very inclusive model of gender violence prevention. He wants us to be honest with ourselves and call “domestic violence” what it is–men’s violence against women. However, he also makes it clear that viewing all men as potential perpetrators is not the answer. Rather, encouraging men to take the issue personally and own up to their social responsibility, while encouraging others to do the same, can make a huge difference. For anyone who would like to learn more about men’s violence against women, or gender and society in general, this book is a great place to start.

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