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First and foremost, this list is meant to be a humorous look at galore of the best and worst types of moms in the world. Every mom, including myself, is a healthful combining of a few or all of these at one time or another, our personalities honed over time by our person experiences and distinguishable children. We’re all human, so take this list as it was intended to be, an irreverent look at motherhood, and not one thing more. Note: There is a mom type listed for each letter of the Greek alphabet. However, the Greek alphabet only has 24 characters to the English alphabet’s 26, and the order is different. For my purposes here, I arranged each mom type alphabetically according to the English alphabet. I’ve listed 12 of the best moms and balanced them with 12 of the worst. Each mom type symbolized by the Greek alphabet was based on a loose translation of the Greek alphabet. Alpha Moms: These are the moms who are acutely conscious of all current methodologies and topics in regards to parenting. While far from perfect, these moms have an intrinsic desire to achieve that level, if for no other reason than to not be persecuted by their offspring when they reach adulthood for having done things faulty when they were little. It’s not a bad club to join as long as you don’t mind hours of exploration on all things parenting-related. Plan on lots of self-imposed guilt feelings when you make a fault because you failed to do what the exploration dictated. Think Marion Cunningham (“Happy Days”), June Cleaver (“Leave It to Beaver”) or Charlotte York Goldenblatt (“Sex and the City”). A sub-group of the Alphas, the Uber-Alphas are the Type-A control freaks who give Alphas a bad name. Think Martha Stewart. Beta Moms: The balanced moms. More relaxed than Alphas, these moms are laid back in their approach to parenting and more comfortable on themselves when they mess up. They ordinarily make for the best mom friends and you’ll be glad that you know a few of these. They throw the most fun and relaxed parties and make you feel like you fit in, even if you don’t. Truly kind to all whom they encounter, these moms are the easiest to be around and in all likelihood manufacture the most well-balanced kids. Think Carol Brady (“The Brady Bunch”), Marge Simpson (“The Simpsons”), and even Lois Wilkerson from “Malcolm in the Middle.” Chi Moms: The shopper moms. These moms are either at the mall all day, kids in tow, or someplace else procuring useless stuff that they don’t in truth need. When talking about the bounty of the day, they marvel at how wondrous the sales were, never pausing to think when it comes to how much cash they could have saved had they just stayed out of the stores to get started with. Often, there is a hiding place someplace in the house where mystery purchases are stashed for the short term. Only join this group if you may afford to compensate cash, and even then, do not forget that over buying goods never fills a void. Find a sideline that involves your kids instead, or work on the relationships in your life first. Think Victoria Beckham or any of “The Real Housewives.” Delta Moms: The snobby, Stepford moms. Like back in their sorority days at college, these women have a network of sisters who have vowed to ignore all other types of moms. If you’ve ever witnessed their huddled lawn chairs at the neighborhood block party, you’ll note that the only thing that separates this exclusive circle of women from a herd of cows is a salt lick. If you can’t get on the chaperone roster for your child’s class field trip, it’s because the Deltas have declared it a “Road Trip” for themselves, and collectively taken all of the spots within the original five minutes. They’re at the school round-the-clock and make sure that everyone knows it, but smiling at any individual (including children) who aren’t in their group is rare. Ironically, most consider themselves to be good Christians. Good luck if you want to join this pack, commonly hazing is involved, and it isn’t pretty. Think Bree Van De Camp (“Desperate Housewives”). Epsilon Moms: These are the athletic moms. These jocks compete in triathlons, run in packs, and are preternaturally pale from all of the blood draining out of their faces and into their legs. Occasionally they’ll slow down for a walk with their kids; other times they’ll take the overweight family dog along, dragging it behind them as they sprint. If you aren’t physically capable of keeping up, don’t bother with this group; they’ll leave you gasping for air in the middle of nowhere. Think Madonna. Eta Moms: These are the artistic or cunning moms. A fun group to join, these moms are always looking at things from a dissimilar perspective. Their homes are specifically filled with creative, fun kid projects and lots of color. Never undertake to throw anything away in front of them though; they’re like the Picassos of all moms. They see art where you see junk and have entire rooms committed to storing bits and pieces of future artistic endeavors. You’ll never look at an empty egg carton or toilet paper roll the same way again after time expended with these gals. Check out local art and craft fairs to see the work of Eta Moms. Gamma Moms: These moms are the self-proclaimed world mothers, not to be confused with the real world mothers, the Rhos. They zero in on what is natural and wholesome, whether it’s nutrition or demanding organic cotton costume for their brood. Beware of play dates that you set up with their kids, however; you’ll get a list of rules to follow, from what snacks are worthy of acceptance or satisfactory to what hand soap their kids are permitted to use (they may even fetch their own). Don’t be amazed if they show up at your door with an air-quality machine. The worst ones are militant control freaks who give even Uber-Alphas a run for their money. Their kids will in all probability live evermore without ever genuinely living at all. Think Gwyneth Paltrow. Iota Moms: These are the beauty queen or girly-girl moms. They’re the ones at school drop-off still applying makeup in the rear-view, keeping up the rest of us (who don’t care) in line. They don’t go anyplace without being done-up and dolled-up. Blame their parents for valuing them for their looks and never for their brains while they were growing up. While not specially bright, a heap of of these moms undertake hard, none-the-less. Just don’t trust them with your kids, they might lose one while they’re primping in the mirror. Picture most of “The Real Housewives” or imagine Marilyn Monroe with kids. Kappa Mom: These are the jealous moms. They normally don’t show their unfeigned colors until their daughters are old sufficient to seem like contest to them or their sons fetch home a first, severe true-love. These aging old bats are bitter that they didn’t get more out of life and want to take it out on their kids and yours. Pray that one won’t be a future in-law, because you’ll end up paying for most of the wedding. They’ll begrudgingly donate a dime here or there, but if they sense that the approaching event will top their own nuptials, they’ll do everything in their power to make sure that it doesn’t. Smile, and take consolation in the fact that their kids secretly hate them. Avoid getting one by grabbing life by the horns and never letting go; your kids (and theirs) will love you for it. Think Joan Crawford, Cinderella’s stepmother or Maleficent, the evil queen (“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”). Lambda Moms: The zookeeper moms. This group of moms has a lot of love to go around. They have so much, in fact, that after they are done having kids, they tend to begin gathering pets. Lots of them. If you thought that your houseful of three kids is a zoo, wait until you come throughout a unfeigned Lambda. Noah’s Ark carried less critters than the menageries that these ladies have managed to house and feed over the years. While Lambda Moms are a benevolent group to know, come prepared with a lint roller when you visit one of their homes, and expect that your kids will beg for a hamster, goldfish, bird, kitten, puppy, horse or pot-bellied pig when you leave. In fact, you’ll never listen the end of these requests if your kids become friends with theirs. You’ve been warned. While she has an entire royal staff to help keep the pet hair away and the stables clean, think Queen Elizabeth II; her love for Corgi dogs (as a lot of as 14 have had the run of Buckingham Palace) and horses is known the world over. Mu Moms: These moms are nurturers in all senses of the word, particularly when it comes to cooking or baking from scratch. They may whip up a delicious meal with only three ingredients and are unfazed by recipes that require as a lot of as thirty. They don’t believe in substitutes like margarine or egg whites and their frosting never comes out of a plastic container. In fact, sneak a peek inside one of their cupboards and you won’t find a box or may of pre-made anything. If one of these women enters a recipe contest, steer clear with your plagiarized version from “Betty Crocker” because you won’t stand a chance. Furthermore, if your family is lucky sufficient to get an invitation for dinner at a Mu Mom’s house, receive it in the blink of an eye, but do not forget that your kids’ palates will be changed forever. Do yourself a favor; fetch take-home containers that she can’t help but fill for you and ask for her recipes before you leave for the night. Think Paula Deen. Nu Moms: These are the dark, Goth-inspired moms. While the outside package may be intimidating, don’t judge a book by it is cover. They may look different, but like every one else, they come in all personalities and parenting styles. If you may get past the exterior, you may just find a beauteous nice person with a great sense of humor underneath. Think Morticia Addams (“The Addams Family”) or Lily Munster (“The Munsters”). Omega Moms: These are the corporate or doctorate moms who run their families like they run their companies or practices; respectable, but hard-core. Unless you are one, forget when it comes to running with this pack. They hardly have time to remainder family and a career, let alone answer the phone when you call. It isn’t personal; these women are just stretched too thin. Keep rooting for them though; they’re a rare breed that may handle what feminism preached in the 70′s. These gals were the Dean’s list crowd in college who went on to graduate summa cum laude. Think Claire Huxtable (“The Cosby Show”), Murphy Brown (“Murphy Brown”) or Miranda Hobbes (“Sex in the City”). Omicron Moms: The political/activist moms. These women are the movers and shakers of the world and never met a cause that they backed away from. If you want to join this group, pick out an establishment worth fighting for and plan on talking about it with everyone and any person you meet. Be prepared to be nonpopular at times for fighting for what you believe in, but be proud of yourself for helping to make the world a better place for your children. Think Rosa Parks or Gloria Steinem. Phi Moms: These moms are the handywomen of all moms. Natural female MacGyvers, these moms may fix everything from bathroom plumbing to the family car. No strangers to the wonders of duct tape, these gals may manage to think of more uses for it than even the manliest of men. Undaunted by power tools, they could build a house in a week by themselves and in all likelihood already have. Remember all of those home betterment projects you keep nagging your husband about? Call one of these women instead; they’ll probably do a better occupation in less time, and you won’t have to listen to your husband complain or stroke his ego for days afterward. Check out “HGTV” or the “DIY Channel” if you’re looking for counsel from women who have mastered the art of DIY. Pi Moms: The gossip moms. These women thrive on forgetting their troubles by focusing on yours or your children’s. If you don’t have anything nice to say, go sit next to them, but make sure you never turn your back. Their kids tend to pick up mommy’s bad habits. Think Joan Rivers. Psi Moms: The sports moms. Different from the Epsilon Moms, this group is never home. They are commonly shuttling their kids (or an entire sports team) back and forth from exercise or from game to game. They wear home-team jerseys and baseball caps 24/7 and have well-developed lungs. They have an uncanny knack for remembering person plays of closely each game they’ve ever attended and recognise each player’s personal stats. Never mention a rival team in their presence or you’ll get a rundown of why their own kid’s team plays more fairly, has a better coach, and will have to have an vantage for the season. It’s great group to join if you love sports, but steer clear if your idea of a good time doesn’t implicate sitting on the edge of a field someplace enduring just regarding any kind of weather imaginable. Picture any of the NBA, NFL, or Olympic moms. Rho Moms: The unfeigned world mothers. A more fostering form of the Gamma world mothers, this group is never pretentious and they’re more easy-going than the Gammas. They’re more regarding remainder and concordance with nature than just regurgitating scientific facts of doom with regards to what chemicals their kids will have to avoid. They either grow their own vegetables or visit the farmer’s market with their children, stressing the importance of sustainable, local feed sources. By contrast, the Gammas are more prone to freaking out in regards to potential lead in the family’s garden soil and won’t eat anything that doesn’t have an official certified organic sticker on it, even if it had to be shipped from Guam. The Rho Moms are a nice bunch to hang with, but beware of all of that zucchini they’ll undertake to send home with you. Picture Rebecca Kolls (“Rebecca’s Garden” on HGTV). Sigma Moms: These are stage moms who bark orders at their kids. Their immaculately coiffed hair is commonly blonde or over-highlighted, even though some of them might be as frumpy as plumbers. It doesn’t in truth matter though, because these moms bite, in all senses of the word. Their main goal is to live their lives through their kids, either because their 15 minutes were over long ago, or they never had them to begin with. They’ll drown you in one-sided speech and one-up you on almost anything, provided you may get a word in edge-wise. Avoid these moms like the plague or you’ll find yourself on a reality show before you know it, guilty by association. Think Kate Gosselin or any of the moms from “Toddlers & Tiaras.” Tau Moms: The religious moms. Like anything tied to religion, these moms may run the gamut from the mere devout to cult-following zealots. Pick and choose conservatively with this group or you may find yourself and your children trapped on a compound somewhere, spouting self-righteous words of condemnation to the rest of the humane race. Keep your religion in check, or the rest of us will write you off as a nut job. Hint: If you find yourself soliciting your faith on behalf of a God who has a tendency to hate, or giving out cookies to hungry poor kids at bus stops so that they’ll listen to you proselytize, you’re probably in a cult. Good luck with that come reckoning day. Think Carolyn Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie) or Olivia Walton (“The Waltons”) for the most balanced role models of this group. Theta Moms: These moms are aloof. They are either timid or just like to pretend that they are, but odds are that you’ll be ignored if you so much as smile in their ordinary direction. The more aloof they are, the more likely that they’re actually an indoctrinated Delta. Remember that the veritably timid moms will at least manage a shaky grin, while the Deltas are only capable of an icy stare. Learn the difference, and don’t waste your time if your original try to be cordial with an aloof mom isn’t reciprocated. Famous, veritably timid (away from the spotlight) moms include Sally Field and Lucille Ball. Xei Moms: The superstars. Unlike the Sigmas, the kids aren’t the main focus, mom is. Consummate martyrs, these women head each possible committee, establishment or team that they come across. While giving you a full rundown of their daily planner, they’ll pause at times to complain with regards to exhaustion and then be off to the next gig rapidly and without delay than you may blink an eye. The best of them are legitimately overstretched because they just want to spend time with the groups that their children are involved in, but the worst of the bunch overload plainly to have their name listed repeatedly on committee minutes, institution websites, or team rosters. Many will end up running for a political office at some point. Think Sarah Palin. Ypsilon Moms: The neurotic, smothering moms. Always well-meaning, but a little on the nuts side. They’re paralyzed with fear whenever their kids leave the house and they tend to be over-protective, more out of unfeigned concern for their children than a desire to be controlling. They’re the moms who follow their kids everyplace and screen the neighborhood children (and their parents) before permitting play dates with their brood. Their kids are either prone to living at home well after they become adults, or fleeing the house as soon as they are able. If you ever cross your eyes at one of their children, prepare for the wrath of mom. Keep in mind that an extra set of protective eyes never hurts these days, and as long as your kid is nice to theirs, these moms will treat your children like one of their own. Think of Shirley McClaine’s reputation in “Terms of Endearment” or Tom Hanks’ mom in “Big”. Zeta Moms: The slacker moms in all their untidy glory. Their kids live the life of heathens and these moms don’t blink an eye. Breakfast is ordinarily cold pizza and Kool-aid because there hasn’t been milk in the house for weeks. They’re laid back like the Beta Mom, but take it to the nth degree. Usually cool to party with for a few hours at the local summertime beer tent when you’re at the peak of a short-lived midlife crisis (who of us has time for a full-blown breakdown, anyway), long-term friendship is out of the question when you’re a severe parent. These girls are reputation killers. Think Peg Bundy (“Married, With Children”), Roseanne Conner (“Roseanne”) or Nancy Botwin (“Weeds”). Most helpful customer reviews 12 of 12 people found the following review helpful. 10 of 10 people found the following review helpful. 7 of 7 people found the following review helpful. |
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